Imposter syndrome doesn’t discriminate and it happens to a lot of people around us, perhaps, it’s happened even to you. Today, it’s not only good but also important that mental health is now becoming the main part of the conversations that we have about our lively hood and there are a lot of resources that are becoming available so people have better ways of coping. Being in a rigorous field like Computer Science or Engineering can take its toll and a lot of people struggle with imposter syndrome along the way. I’ve found that sharing our experiences about the struggles we go through as CSE and CE students is not only helpful to us(the people sharing), but also helpful to others (the recipients of the story) as it allows us to learn from each other or simply bask in the understanding that you are not alone in this struggle and it is okay for you not to know everything and its also okay for you to seek help when you need to. What matters is that we all make it through and journey together in a healthy way, both physically and mentally. This week, one of the students in the CSE program wrote an article about his experience with Imposter Syndrome that is not only educational but also inspiring. I hope you enjoy reading it as much as I did! Remember, if you have any ideas you want to share or any kind of feedback, please email me at nekesame@buffalo.edu. Enjoy the rest of your week!

Both Sides of Imposter Syndrome by Jared Lockhart

I built my first computer when I was nine. My parents then believed they had the next Bill Gates on their hands. My mother would say, “There is no need for a computer science degree if you can build a computer before puberty.  The world is yours, my son, you can have it all.” My mother didn’t actually say those words out loud to me but I knew that’s what she felt in the quietness of her heart because of how much faith she had in my capabilities as her only child. From the first moment I went to school, I had excelled at whatever I set out to do. Grades came easy. Winning local videogame tournaments came easy. Computers came easy.  My mom always said I was the best-looking boy at school too! I never knew what it felt like to try hard at something because I was a renowned neighborhood genius. My mother’s genius. Always understood things on the first try.

My formal introduction to programming was sophomore year at Vanderbilt University, an intro programming class in Java. Grasping the concepts was difficult and for the first time, I struggled. I made a C in that class and despite the fact that I was heartbroken, I had enjoyed the class. I found the challenges fun so I decided to take the second semester course, focusing on C++. Pointers destroyed me. The assignments were well above my head and I ended up with a D in the course. My mother wasn’t going to watch me fail out of a school. Because I had never struggled at anything, I never knew how to deal with things that didn’t come to me naturally. I never knew how to do things that required more of my attention and hard work. These hindrances, coupled with my fear of failure gave birth to a situation I call “This is not for me right now”. Which loosely translated to, I quit. I loved computer science but decided to focus on my Psychology courses. I didn’t struggle in Psychology so it made sense to major in it and even though it wasn’t challenging, I still enjoyed it. It wasn’t quite the same though. In my short life I’ve learned that failure is not the biggest obstacle to success. Fear of failure is the biggest hindrance to success. 

I graduated from Vanderbilt in 2010. I was accepted into a master’s program at Marshall University. I did my masters in Clinical Psychology and was not challenged at all. For example, every graduate student had to pass a comprehensive exam to graduate. This exam was not reserved for students poised to graduate so anyone in the program could take it any time. In my first year, the first semester, I tried this exam on a whim. I wanted to use it as a practice run that would help me prepare for it in the future when I had to take it before graduation. Lo and behold I passed the exam on the first attempt.  One of my professors took interest in my assessment capabilities and I ended up working with him in his forensic psychology firm for my internship. Things were looking good here.  

I graduated a year early in my Master’s program and took up several jobs that kept going nowhere. For reasons above my control, those jobs never lasted. Ironically, I excelled at the work I did in these jobs. But just because you are good at what you do doesn’t mean you are immune to losing that job. The thing about practicing Psychology was that I felt something was missing. I was good at it but didn’t find it fulfilling enough. I told myself I was good at this, and since I feared failing at something else I settled. I quickly burned out. I don’t think doing Psychology is an unsuccessful career. I lost my passion for the field and didn’t enjoy what I did. So it started to take a toll on my well-being. 

After losing my fifth job, I knew something had to change. Five failed jobs for absolutely no reason in your control will do that to you. I was good great at Psychology (or so I was told,) but I remained unsuccessful. I was dissatisfied, depressed, broke and ready to redirect. It took five failures in something I was good at to redirect me to something I am passionate about. Talk about being big-headed.

I didn’t think I was going to excel in computer science but this time I didn’t care because I at least knew, I enjoyed it. In fact, I thought not succeeding at something I enjoyed was a failure anymore. I looked at it as an opportunity to learn something better than I had before. In 2018, I enrolled at UB to start a BS in Computer Science. I got in on the stipulation that I had one chance to make it into the major.  Remember my D in the second semester course? I would have to retake this course. On my own I had to reteach myself everything taught in the Java course to catch up in my current courses at UB. It felt more and more hopeless as I failed or scraped by the lab exams every week. Discrete Structures was also terrifying. The midterm was disastrous. Depression and anxiety were at an all-time high. I was going to lose my chance to do something I was enjoying. With my background in psych, I knew I was spiraling and sought counseling. I stabilized just enough to keep working throughout the semester. My grades started to improve in the second half of the semester. But the looming threat of making a C in my courses and not meeting the cutoff still loomed. I poured through my texts, and annoyed my friends in the field for extra explanations of concepts. I went to TA’s for more help and worked long hours into the night to finish assignments on time. Surprisingly, I managed a B+ in the second intro course, and an A- in discrete structures. Hope.

My second semester was no easier. I had an unrealistic expectation to make all A’s in every class. Despite starting considerably behind my peers, I wanted to exceed at what I did. This kept me stressed, anxious, and depressed. These would be issues I continued to work on with my counselor. As a result, I made major gains in both my ability to function in the program and my current mental state. Support from other students, professors, friends, and family kept me going. I never took breaks and stressed endlessly throughout the semester. It was not the healthiest choice, but I achieved my goals. 

So here we are, I’m in the middle of a career change, struggling with nearly everything that is thrown at me. One part of me loves the challenge and finally getting to do what I ran away from in my early college years. The other part seeks safety in what I know I’m good at despite never breaking through to higher ranks in that career. And that’s okay, I’m only human. We all want to do what’s comfortable. I’ve learned the hard way though. If your “comfortable field” is not what you enjoy rethink things. In the long run, it could take a toll on your mental health and overall wellbeing. Whatever you do, don’t let the fear of failure in something you love to be the reason you settle for something else. Despite the struggling and the hard work, I enjoy what I get to do now in Computer Science. I still don’t have it all figured out, but all I know is that so far, I’ve found this all much more fulfilling than my time in the field I settled for.